Work hard, save and live within your means.
BILL BAILEYWhat I’d like to do now – well, what I’d like to do now is grow my beard very long, weave it into my pubes and strum it like a harp.
More Bill Bailey Quotes
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At college, I felt frustrated thinking three years was a long time and I just wanted a job but afterwards I was in employment the whole time.
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There’s more evil in the charts than an Al-Qaeda suggestion box.
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I would never condone the burning of a Dan Brown novel, much though I loathe and detest his work. Well, I say work, you know, words, randomly arranged to form millions of dollars… I’m not bitter at all.
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The way we live in the West we live like kings. People moan about this and that in Britain but we have running water, electricity, security and a rule of law and so many people in the world don’t have these.
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Television is where you earn regular money so you can plan a little bit but even then only when you have a regular gig. If you’re just doing the odd appearance, you don’t know if it will carry on.
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This shed does not contain me.
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I never really thought comedy was a career option, just something I did for fun. Suddenly I realised I was getting paid which was a bonus. I studied for a diploma with the London College of Music, and teaching was something I thought I might do but comedy intervened.
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Three women walk into a pub and say, ‘Hooray, we’ve colonised a male-dominated joke format’
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Marijuana? It’s harmless really, unless you fashion it into a club and beat somebody over the head with it
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Contentment is knowing you’re right
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My wife bought me a vintage Gibson guitar that isn’t just beautiful but has tremendous sentimental value. I have plenty of guitars for live gigs but this is one to treasure.
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Three blokes go into a pub. Something happens. The outcome was hilarious!
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It’s the augmented fourth, or diminished fifth, depending on your outlook on life.
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How many amoebas does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, no two! No four! …no eight!
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I’m a vegetarian, I’m not strict. I eat fish. And duck, but they’re nearly fish aren’t they.
BILL BAILEY