I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
PHYLLIS DILLEREvery time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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