My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
PHYLLIS DILLEREvery time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
PHYLLIS DILLER