I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
PHYLLIS DILLEREvery time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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All mothers are working mothers.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
PHYLLIS DILLER






