Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
PHYLLIS DILLEREvery time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
PHYLLIS DILLER