I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
PHYLLIS DILLERI have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
PHYLLIS DILLER