A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
PHYLLIS DILLERI have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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All mothers are working mothers.
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
PHYLLIS DILLER






