“Television is 15 hour days. Movies are 18 hour days. And it’s 18 hours of doing not a thing.”

I do live like a rock star, but it’s not as great as it sounds. It’s a lot of traveling.

I have a very fun life. I don’t recommend it for anybody else, but it sure has been fun for me.

My favorite bands are the Allman Brothers and Red Hot Chili Peppers.

We always go out looking for live music after our shows.

I was always a funny guy. I don’t think anybody that makes it to this level of stand-up wasn’t a funny guy when they were young.

If I sit down to write a joke about, whatever, the polluted Gulf of Mexico, it comes out mundane to me.

I was a huge fan of comedy when I was a child.

I’m not the judge of who that is, but I am a believer that no debt in the universe goes unpaid. If you try to buy early, you’ll pay late.

If I’m not in the theatre, I’m in an open mic night or doing a guest set at the Comedy Club, or whatever, just trying to develop stuff.

I write all of my material. It’s all me.

I’ve gathered some of my close musical and comedian friends, and we’re going to see if we can’t bring a few laughs to these soldiers, raise some money, and hopefully lift their spirits.

I don’t think we have a surplus of fine educators in this country that we can just start dropping them for no reason whatsoever.

Movies are boring. It’s like watching paint dry. I did a little role in a movie, and it was eight lines. I was there for three days. It’s just horrible.

I was desperate for new material, so anything I can write a joke about that works is in the act. No matter who it offends, or who it bothers – doesn’t matter if its something my wife hates.

I think the world has their own good, clean, Christian comedy. They don’t need my help.

Ultimately I’m the writer for me, but also, anytime one of my friends gets stuck with a bit, they can call me, and I’m pretty good at helping them get there.

Prepare a noble death song for the day when you go over the great divide.

Labor Day is devoted to no man, living or dead, to no sect, race or nation.

I Tweeted Keri Hilson the other day and she actually wrote back! I was so excited.

I was not leaving the south to forget the south, but so that some day I might understand it

Even one voice can be heard loudly all over the world in this day and age.

The day they discover yoga mats are carcinogenic will be the happiest day of my life.

Being a father is an everyday challenge. It goes on and on.

The age seems sore from excess of stimulation, just as a day or two after a thorough Debauch and long sustained Drinking-match a man feels all over like a Bruise.