“If you’re a guy, you have absolutely no idea what’s going on at any time in the relationship, ever.”

California is like the hot blond high school chick who’s been getting by on her looks, but now she’s 45 and falling apart.

I give women two types of orgasms. Fake and none.

The shuttle is the worst $20 you’ll ever save. It adds 90 minutes to whatever a Town Car or cab would have been.

There are certain things women are better at than men.

Here’s what you know: you know when you’re getting laid, and you know when it’s all over. Those are the only two things you’re aware of.

People look at me, and they go, ‘You’re white, you’re smart, you must have went to college. You must have grown up with money.’

I like the freedom of podcasting. With podcasting you can really mess around with the form and the format. You can do as much time as you like without having to pause for commercials.

I don’t like those men who claim that their wife is their best friend. . . . I think spouses should tolerate each other and occasionally have sex.

All’s the government should do is keep the taxes and regulations at a manageable rate, keep a decent standing army and get out of the way.

If in 1989 I said, ‘I have an idea: Bottle water and sell it. And charge more than a beer,’ they would have chased me around with a giant butterfly net. The same with paying to watch a television station.

When Asian people grow up fast they go to college at 13. White people grow up fast it’s about fudge packing and triple D’s at 13.

Toss some Hungarian in every once in a while. You will not be sorry. Good, solid peasant food.

I think if you create something and you get an audience for it, then the monetization part is really secondary.

Chicks love dudes who are successful who happen to have money – do you know what I mean? Chicks are attracted to dudes that are doing their own thing.

And the mirror ball doesn’t care what color you are, and it doesn’t care how rich your parents are, and it doesn’t care what God you pray to

I’m like John Q. Public. I represent what every guy wants and needs.

The Diet Mentality has come about because there is agreement in our society that the only way to lose weight is by dieting. But dieting produces absolutely no permanent, positive results.

He thought that he had never seen anyone quite as beautiful, so absolutely necessary to his happiness. It wasn’t the first time he had fallen in love, but he knew that this was the last.

I don’t think I’ve ever died on stage. I’ve had jokes that died on stage. I’ve told a joke and absolutely nothing. They didn’t know it was the end of the joke.

I knew Barack Obama, absolutely. And I knew him probably as well as thousands of other Chicagoans.

The best writing is not about the writer, the best writing is absolutely not about the writer, it’s about us, it’s about the reader.

It`s always worth while before you do anything to consider whether it`s going to hurt another person more than is absolutely necessary.

As a girl – twelve, thirteen years old – I was absolutely certain that a good book had to have a man as its hero, and that depressed me.

Fascism is definitely and absolutely opposed to the doctrines of liberalism, both in the political and economic sphere.