“I give women two types of orgasms. Fake and none.”

Chicks love dudes who are successful who happen to have money – do you know what I mean? Chicks are attracted to dudes that are doing their own thing.

And the mirror ball doesn’t care what color you are, and it doesn’t care how rich your parents are, and it doesn’t care what God you pray to

I’m like John Q. Public. I represent what every guy wants and needs.

The reason why you know more funny dudes than funny chicks is that dudes are funnier than chicks. If my daughter has a mediocre sense of humor

That’s an interesting philosophical question. When your boner goes away, is that one gone… forever?

If you’re conservative in Hollywood, you’re on a list of people who need to be put in their place.

Well, guys are better at mechanical stuff and women are better at emotional stuff.

I’m a sort of nuts-and-bolts guy. I’m into turning wrenches and swinging a hammer and wrenching on cars.

I don’t burn any calories trying to be masculine; I just happen to be from that world.

You should feel good about yourself because of your accomplishments. Not because somebody yelled at you to feel good about yourself.

That’s the thing I love about sports: sports force you to quit. You can’t pursue your dream till you’re 46. When it comes to acting, writing, comedy, nobody ever stops you.

I don’t normally vote. I’m lazy and I never bought into the every vote counts.

Figure out what to do, then take a nap.

Welfare is monetary methadone.

People are stupid. There’s a lot of dumb stuff that’s successful.

Then there’s the in-between, not a lipstick lesbian, not a butch dyke. I think that is what I’d be, a sweatpants lesbian.