I get depressed at airports.
ADAM CAROLLAI’m like John Q. Public. I represent what every guy wants and needs.
More Adam Carolla Quotes
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What we used to settle with common sense or a fist, we settle with hand sanitizer and lawyers.
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I don’t like those men who claim that their wife is their best friend. . . . I think spouses should tolerate each other and occasionally have sex.
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A lot of guys and people in our society think that chicks just love dudes with money.
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I would say the podcast is my favorite because I like the freedom of podcasting. With podcasting you can really mess around with the form and the format.
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If you are tuning in just for the show, you’re going to be sorely disappointed.
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I’m really just trying to hash out the next two weeks of my life. So, something that is potentially four months down the road is not just a mile down the road for me, it’s a million miles down the road.
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I’m not comically oriented. I get angry and I start complaining and then people start laughing. I don’t even want them to laugh half the time.
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I’ve never not finished a masturbatory session or a pizza. Those are the two things I’ve never left behind.
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I’m just gonna tell her, “Be a staff writer for a sitcom. Because they’ll have to hire you, they can’t really fire you, and you don’t have to produce that much. It’ll be awesome.”
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I think people have a strong desire to push me and others into some sort of political box that they can wrap their minds around.
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I don’t think healthcare’s a right. The only right you have is the ability to go out on an even playing field and work, and then purchase health insurance, or whatever it is.
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I’m a doofus from the Valley, a blue-collar guy.
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I think comedy has evolved like every art form, and people probably do less standing around and telling jokes, and more things that have to do with reality.
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You have the unenviable choice between being dropped off last or being dropped off first and having a bunch of losers who can’t afford cab fare and have no friends or loved ones with cars knowing exactly where you live.
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I’m a comedian, not a politician.
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Of course on air I use occasional hyperbole to tell a story.
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You should feel good about yourself because of your accomplishments. Not because somebody yelled at you to feel good about yourself.
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Don’t do your best, do my best.
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I got drunk in Canada. I was there for 2 days but I was drunk there for 4 days. I don’t know how it worked. I guess it was with the time difference or something.
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And the mirror ball doesn’t care what color you are, and it doesn’t care how rich your parents are, and it doesn’t care what God you pray to
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If you spend your life walking through somebody else’s museum, you never find out whether you’re Rembrandt or not.
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I give women two types of orgasms. Fake and none.
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All’s the government should do is keep the taxes and regulations at a manageable rate, keep a decent standing army and get out of the way.
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All TV is, is really: ‘Don’t you want to be this, aren’t you glad you’re not that.’ There’s nothing really in the middle.
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If women built the bridges or were meant to build the bridges, then they would have done it.
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I like radio and live performing stuff. I don’t like the television stuff as much.
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