“Speaking of sleeping bags, has anything ever had a less creative name?”

My mom was on welfare and the occasional food stamp, but I have never participated in any of those governmental programs, even the ones that kind of work like education, scholarships and whatever, and I managed to do just fine.

If you spend your life walking through somebody else’s museum, you never find out whether you’re Rembrandt or not.

We’ve got black and white, we’ve got Hispanic and Asian, we got gay, straight, and Guttenberg, all working together for one common goal: to get the mirror ball.

Rich people don’t pay taxes? Of course they pay taxes – they pay tons in taxes. They pay for everyone else who doesn’t pay taxes.

Wearing Crocs is like getting blown by a dude. It feels great until you look down and realize you’re gay.

[Giving welfare to poor people] is the equivalent of the government sending [fat people] a jumbo bag of Bugles in the mail twice a month.

The believe-in-yourself adage is grossly overrated.

My motto is “more mystery, less history”.

Everyone keeps saying, “Oh my God, oh my God, how intimidating.” It’s like saying, “How could you date Jennifer Aniston after she’s been with Brad Pitt?” I don’t care.

I didn’t have any success in show business until I was 30 to 31 years of age.

I feel like I’m a time traveler from the future who has been sent back to be annoyed.

Mmm, tastes like hepatitis!

When you have kids, you instantly feel that you do not want to do them wrong. .

I’m just gonna tell her, “Be a staff writer for a sitcom. Because they’ll have to hire you, they can’t really fire you, and you don’t have to produce that much. It’ll be awesome.”

When you do television, there’s more to do, and when you do new television, there’s a lot more to do, especially when you don’t have partner. I miss not having that person.

People who fail, excel at avoiding opportunity.

These are fat mummies sitting with their bags of crisps in front of the television, saying that thin models are ugly. Fashion is about dreams and illusions, and no one wants to see round women.

You never see a normal spot, a bag under the eye or an unplucked eyebrow, because that’s not how Hollywood works.

I’m a bit of a gypsy. I live everywhere; I live out of a bag.

Own only what you can always carry with you: know languages, know countries, know people. Let your memory be your travel bag.

I’m an ugly girl, My face makes you hurl, Sad I have it, I should bag it. Acne everywhere, Unwanted facial hair. I’m a relation to Frankenstein’s creation.

It is my fondest wish that in the fullness of time, the American people will look back on the Franken presidency as something of a mixed bag and not as a complete disaster.

I bet they didn’t tell you that was in the gift bag.

I fight, knock them out, have some sex and Monday I’m back to hitting bags and kicking ass.