“My mom was on welfare and the occasional food stamp, but I have never participated in any of those governmental programs, even the ones that kind of work like education, scholarships and whatever, and I managed to do just fine.”

I’m not comically oriented. I get angry and I start complaining and then people start laughing. I don’t even want them to laugh half the time.

I’m a doofus from the Valley, a blue-collar guy.

I don’t have anything against my mom, but my family has no emotional connection to each other.

People have to be realistic, or the dream just drags on.

What we used to settle with common sense or a fist, we settle with hand sanitizer and lawyers.

I know there’s no God and I know most of the world knows that as well. They just won’t admit it because there’s another thing they know. They know they’re going to die and it freaks them out.

I think comedy has evolved like every art form, and people probably do less standing around and telling jokes, and more things that have to do with reality.

There’s no bigger atheist than me. Well, I take that back. I’m a cancer screening away from going agnostic and a biopsy away from full-fledged Christian.

Everyone in Hollywood thinks like a Republican fiscally by leaving town to shoot everything; they just don’t vote that way.

If you’re a guy, you have absolutely no idea what’s going on at any time in the relationship, ever.

Being a poor reader was enough to make me not want to do that type of formatted show

So most people don’t have the courage to admit there’s no God and they know it. They feel it. They try to suppress it. And if you bring it up they get angry because it freaks them out.

When you’re picking a basketball team, you’ll take the brother over the guy with the yarmulke. Why? Because you’re playing the odds.

I attempted to get into comedy. I started to do stand-up, but I wasn’t very good at it.

If you’ve driven over to the gay section of Los Angeles, it’s like a golf course… Real estate values go ‘boom!’

I saw a commercial for the maxi pads for the bigger gals they’re making now. That was a nice visual while I was eating.

I have always admired my mother’s style. For as long as I can remember, her style has been classic, elegant and something I have related to.

A child does not try to know the mother, it simply has faith in her. In the same way, having faith in the Divine is the source of the greatest strength.

My mom keeps khabar of everything, so I don’t feel lonely.

India is the mother of religion. In her are combined science and religion in perfect harmony, and that is the Hindu religion, and it is India that shall be again the spiritual mother of the world.

A good wife is one who serves her husband in the morning like a mother does, loves him in the day like a sister does and pleases him like a prostitute in the night.

Skills are called hidden treasure as they save like a mother in a foreign country.

My mom is always telling me it takes a long time to get to the top, but a short time to get to the bottom.

Mama always told me not to look into the sights of the sun. Oh, but mama, that’s where the fun is.