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Life is just the time between crapping yourself.

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Marilyn Monroe Paulo Coelho Abraham Lincoln C. S. Lewis Khalil Gibran Charlie Chaplin Gautama Buddha Isaac Newton

People are stupid. There’s a lot of dumb stuff that’s successful.
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Dumb People Stuff Stupid Successful
I used to be a Democrat, now I’m basically a Republican.
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Democrat Democratic Republican Used
People have to be realistic, or the dream just drags on.
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Drag Dream People Person Realistic
If you are tuning in just for the show, you’re going to be sorely disappointed.
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Disappointed Funny Humor Show Sorey Tuning
No one is depressed when they’re being chased by a bear.
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Bear Chasing Depressed
Lets not focus on saving a nickel… lets focus on making a buck.
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Buc Focus Made Making Nickle Saving
Should women be on any pills besides birth control? We should just give them all sugar pills for everything, they’re so suggestible.
ADAM CAROLLA

Besides Birth Control Everything Funny Giving Humor Pill Women
Everyone keeps saying, “Oh my God, oh my God, how intimidating.” It’s like saying, “How could you date Jennifer Aniston after she’s been with Brad Pitt?” I don’t care.
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Care Everone Funny Humor Intimidating Oh My God Saying
I would say the podcast is my favorite because I like the freedom of podcasting. With podcasting you can really mess around with the form and the format.
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Favourite Form Freedom Mess Podcast Really
I saw a commercial for the maxi pads for the bigger gals they’re making now. That was a nice visual while I was eating.
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Bigger Commercial Funny Humor Maxi Nice Pad Visual
There is a ton of pressure and you need to read cue cards. I am not a good cue card reader.
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Card Cue Good Need Pressure Read Reader Ton
I’m a sort of nuts-and-bolts guy. I’m into turning wrenches and swinging a hammer and wrenching on cars.
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Car Guy Hammer Nut Sort Swinging Turning Wrenching
The main thing that I learned from my horrible job experiences was how horrible they were.
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Experience Horrible Job Learned Mean
Having sex without a condom is like riding a roller coaster with diarrhea. You can’t just throw your hands up and enjoy it.
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Diarrhea Funny Hand Humor Riding Roller Coater Sex
I don’t like those men who claim that their wife is their best friend. . . . I think spouses should tolerate each other and occasionally have sex.
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Best Each Friend Man Men Other Sex Spouse Thinking Tolerate Wife
What we used to settle with common sense or a fist, we settle with hand sanitizer and lawyers.
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Common Sense Fist Hand Lawyer Sanitizer

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