I tried body surfing once, but how often do you find a corpse?
EMO PHILIPSI’ve learned that you can’t make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they’ll panic and give in.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don’t even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.
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I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
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You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers…damn anthropologists.
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When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.
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I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.
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My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.
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I’m not a fatalist; even if I were, what could I do about it?
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I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don’t know what she charges him.
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Once I posed nude for a magazine. I’ve never been back to THAT newstand.
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I took my grandmother to the emergency room. The doctor said that she was on an artificial life support system, and that although her brain was dead her heart was still beating. I though, “we’ve never had a democrat in the family before”.
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One man’s pet-stained carpet is another man’s Twister game.
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I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don’t know what he looks like.
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Computers aren’t intelligent, they only think they are.
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Probably the toughest time in anyone’s life is when you have to murder a loved one because they’re the devil.
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I’ve always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.
EMO PHILIPS