You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers…damn anthropologists.
EMO PHILIPSI’ve learned that you can’t make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they’ll panic and give in.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence… sort of like the Post Office with tanks.
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I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic… in morse code.
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My girlfriend said, Emo, I’m seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.
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I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.
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When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.
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My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn’t be home until a certain hour.
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When I was a kid, my favourite time of the year when I was child was that magical first snowfall. I’d yell Yippee! Snow! and run up to the front door and shout You know the deal… You have to let me in now.
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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
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You don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
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My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
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I’m not as good a swimmer as I used to be – thanks to evolution.
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If an asteroid is coming toward you, you don’t have to blow it up. You just have to slow it down long enough for our country to rotate out of the way.
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My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother’s hip replacement. Because, you know… You break it, you buy it.
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One man’s pet-stained carpet is another man’s Twister game.
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I caught my wife in bed with my best friend the other day. I was crushed. They could have waited till I’d got out.
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The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.
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You know what I hate the most? People that imitate owls.
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Not everybody hates me. Only the people who’ve met me.
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I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.
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I’ve always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.
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My ex-girlfriend was very sexy. She reminded me of the Sphinx because she was very mysterious and eternal and solid…and her nose was shot off by French soldiers.
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I picked up a hitch hiker. You’ve got to when you hit them.
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All the nations of the earth must learn to live together in peace. Why be prejudiced against anyone because of their race, nationality, or creed? When there’s so many real reasons to hate others.
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When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
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My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don’t even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.
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I used to get drunk every night until I puked. Finally I admitted, “I am a bulemic”.
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