My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn’t be home until a certain hour.
EMO PHILIPSI don’t know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I’m fairly confident that I’ll be taken off of it for one.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
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You know what I hate? Indian givers… no, I take that back.
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I don’t know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.
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Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: ‘A truck!’
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I’m learning Cuban. It’s like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.
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I tried body surfing once, but how often do you find a corpse?
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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
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I’ve always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.
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My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
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Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.
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I’d be in the backyard minding my own business. The other kids would call me names, like meatball head or neo-Calvinist. I’d run after them, but lucky for them the chain would snap my neck back.
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I used to get drunk every night until I puked. Finally I admitted, “I am a bulemic”.
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My ex-girlfriend was very sexy. She reminded me of the Sphinx because she was very mysterious and eternal and solid…and her nose was shot off by French soldiers.
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I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
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I’m not a fatalist; even if I were, what could I do about it?
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I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.
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The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said If you’ll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you’ve been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference.
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I’ve been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I’m pleased to say I’ve won.
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I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don’t know I’m only using blanks.
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Interviewers always used to ask me about my pageboy haircut, and it drove me nuts: it almost made me suspect that there was something strange about it. So I cut off my pageboy.
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I’ve learned that you can’t make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they’ll panic and give in.
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I picked up a hitch hiker. You’ve got to when you hit them.
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I’m filthy stinking rich – well, two out of three ain’t bad.
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Don’t wear fur! Did you know, a single fur coat takes fifteen trees, just for the protest signs?
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Computers aren’t intelligent, they only think they are.
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They have a sign at the beach, “no glass bottles”. I think that’s so the other sand particles don’t feel like underachievers.
EMO PHILIPS