“When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.”

When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That’s what gave me the courage.

I tried body surfing once, but how often do you find a corpse?

You don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

I caught my wife in bed with my best friend the other day. I was crushed. They could have waited till I’d got out.

My ex-girlfriend was very sexy. She reminded me of the Sphinx because she was very mysterious and eternal and solid…and her nose was shot off by French soldiers.

I’d be in the backyard minding my own business. The other kids would call me names, like meatball head or neo-Calvinist. I’d run after them, but lucky for them the chain would snap my neck back.

I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don’t know I’m only using blanks.

When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn’t involve a magic spell.

My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.

The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.

When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.

My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn’t be home until a certain hour.

Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.

I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.

I’m not a fatalist; even if I were, what could I do about it?

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Heaven is a place not too far away.

I’m not going to make movies that tell children, “You should despair and run away”.

Our lives are like the wind or like sounds. We come into being, resonate with each other. Then fade away.

Freedom is never more than a generation away from extinction.

I leave you my portrait so that you will have my presence all the days and nights that I am away from you.

Books swept me away, this way and that, one after the other; I made endless vows according to their lights for I believed them.

I’m a feminist, but I think that romance has been taken away a bit for my generation.

Happiness and love are just a choice away.