Computers aren’t intelligent, they only think they are.
EMO PHILIPSI’d be in the backyard minding my own business. The other kids would call me names, like meatball head or neo-Calvinist. I’d run after them, but lucky for them the chain would snap my neck back.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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My parents were very protective. I couldn’t even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.
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At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
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My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.
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You know what I hate the most? People that imitate owls.
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I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.
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Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.
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Now there’s a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?
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The American government is making nuclear weapons like there’s no tomorrow.
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The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence… sort of like the Post Office with tanks.
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I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic… in morse code.
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So I’m at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.
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You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers…damn anthropologists.
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I’ve always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.
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My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother’s hip replacement. Because, you know… You break it, you buy it.
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I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
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I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
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I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
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I don’t know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I’m fairly confident that I’ll be taken off of it for one.
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I’m learning Cuban. It’s like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.
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When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That’s what gave me the courage.
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When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn’t involve a magic spell.
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I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don’t know what she charges him.
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I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.
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My ex-girlfriend was very sexy. She reminded me of the Sphinx because she was very mysterious and eternal and solid…and her nose was shot off by French soldiers.
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The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn’t I see you on television? I said, I don’t know. You can’t see out the other way.
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I’ve been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I’m pleased to say I’ve won.
EMO PHILIPS