I caught my wife in bed with my best friend the other day. I was crushed. They could have waited till I’d got out.
EMO PHILIPSI’d be in the backyard minding my own business. The other kids would call me names, like meatball head or neo-Calvinist. I’d run after them, but lucky for them the chain would snap my neck back.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
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I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
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My girlfriend said, Emo, I’m seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.
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You don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
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I used to get drunk every night until I puked. Finally I admitted, “I am a bulemic”.
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I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don’t know what she charges him.
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Interviewers always used to ask me about my pageboy haircut, and it drove me nuts: it almost made me suspect that there was something strange about it. So I cut off my pageboy.
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My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.
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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
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The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence… sort of like the Post Office with tanks.
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My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
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Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
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I took my grandmother to the emergency room. The doctor said that she was on an artificial life support system, and that although her brain was dead her heart was still beating. I though, “we’ve never had a democrat in the family before”.
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The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.
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When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.
EMO PHILIPS