I tried body surfing once, but how often do you find a corpse?
EMO PHILIPSI’d be in the backyard minding my own business. The other kids would call me names, like meatball head or neo-Calvinist. I’d run after them, but lucky for them the chain would snap my neck back.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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Computers aren’t intelligent, they only think they are.
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My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn’t have sex quite so often.
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I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don’t know what she charges him.
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I’ve learned that you can’t make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they’ll panic and give in.
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I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.
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They have a sign at the beach, “no glass bottles”. I think that’s so the other sand particles don’t feel like underachievers.
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I picked up a hitch hiker. You’ve got to when you hit them.
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I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.
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My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn’t be home until a certain hour.
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Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.
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I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don’t know I’m only using blanks.
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My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.
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You know what I hate the most? People that imitate owls.
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New York’s such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, “I’d like a card.” He says, “You have to prove you’re a citizen of New York.” So I stabbed him.
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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
EMO PHILIPS






