Jill, we became parents so we could tell our kids what to do. Otherwise we’re just the tallest people living here.
TIM ALLENI’ve gotten so far past the Android and iPhones that I’m back to a flip-phone. It’s funny, you can buy antique flip-phones online. A lot of us collect them. Clearly, they’re considered antiques.
More Tim Allen Quotes
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In my experience, it’s all wonderful with girls until about 16. Around that time, boys kind of calm down and start focusing their testosterone. Girls get a little challenging, especially for fathers.
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I had a very easy time loving an audience. But when it’s one-on-one with somebody, all I wanted to do was run away, because maybe they’re going to want something from me I can’t give, or they’re going to hurt me.
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Men often do things for women that they don’t want to do, so that women will do things for men that they don’t want to do.
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Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.
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I think women like Ferraris. A Ferrari is everybody’s car.
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Why go to a church to worship God? A church is man made. God never said, “And let there be aluminum siding.” Climbing a tree to talk to God sounds like a better idea since only God can make a tree. And if that tree’s on a golf course, all the better.
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Kids learn by example. If I respect Mom, they’re going to respect Mom.
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I have a thing for tools.
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A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.
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Real men don’t use instructions, son. Besides, this is just the manufacturer’s opinion on how to put this together.
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Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we’ve always had: work, or prison.
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Can we take a direct flight back to reality or do we have to change planes in Denver?
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If you want to condemn yourself for the mistakes you’ve made, let’s be fair, that means you’ve got to congratulate yourself for all the good things you’ve done. It’s okay to say, “God, I wish I’d done this; yeah, but I did do that.” Then it kind of balances out.
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I do a lot of family shows.
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I’m sad for adults who want to be children. And children who want to be adults.
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I am a thespian trapped in a man’s body.
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I was gone so much in my first marriage. I love the moments when I engage with my youngest daughter now. It’s not my thing to sit on the ground and play tea party, but I’ll do it because it’s a moment that will stick with me forever.
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But separate a man from his car – that’s inhuman.
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Boys can be disgusting. You can’t leave us alone for any length of time because we will burn something, blow something up or paint something. We’re just obnoxious.
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When somebody tells you they’re not very smart, they’re saying exactly the opposite.
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I’m a very bad student, but a great learner.
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I think there’s a percentage that don’t realize, that don’t know that [standup] is how everything began. We planned it, we work hard, rehearsals to get this. It’s more of a it’s not just coming in there in a T-shirt and holding a microphone.
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My dad’s death reminds me of earthquakes – things that shake your foundation.
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Sometimes you get the sense that the Creator is getting to that point of “Yeah, we might have to reboot.”
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I’m a creative guy, artistically with graphics.
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I know it sounds odd, but I want to make a Rolex-quality screwdriver.
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