The reason I love my dog so much is because when I come home, he’s the only one in the world who treats me like I’m the Beatles.
BILL MAHERSex is too easy for women to get, and too hard for men. I mean, honestly, for a man to walk into someplace and have every woman ready to take him home, he’d have to rule the world. A woman would have to do her hair.
More Bill Maher Quotes
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When you get people who are out of office, suddenly their tongues loosen up and suddenly they say the things that you wish they’d said or did when they were in office.
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America is like a dog. I’m sorry, but it is. It cannot understand actual words. It understands inflection. It understands fear. But you can’t actually explain issues to a dog.
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I always compare marriage to communism. They’re both institutions that don’t conform to human nature, so you’re going to end up with lying and hypocrisy.
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Religion is detrimental to the progress of society.
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The thing I don’t understand about homosexuals is, how do they decide which one is the one who’s supposed to pretend they don’t want it?
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The younger generation is supposed to rage against the machine, not for it. They’re supposed to question authority, not question those who question authority.
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I feel terrible for a Palestinian child who dies. But, if it’s your father, your brother or your uncle who was firing those rockets into Israel, whose fault is it really? Do you really expect the Israelis not to retaliate?
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Talk to women who’ve ever dated an Arab man. The results are not good.
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I think what’s dangerous is the idea that someone can wash away your sins.
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False hope really makes you cynical.
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Only a Bush could answer a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ question two different ways and be wrong both times.
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I don’t respect religon. I don’t respect superstitious thinking and that is what religous is.
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A new cologne is coming out. It’s for cowboys, and it’s made from cow’s manure. That way the women will be on you like flies!
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Hollywood isn’t your cesspool, America. It’s your mirror.
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I do think the patriotic thing to do is to critique my country. How else do you make a country better but by pointing out its flaws?
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If anti-gay stuff is always coming out of your mouth, something very gay is probably going in.
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Now people want Brian Williams to resign, but it could have a happy ending. Apparently what he said was such a blatant departure from the truth, today he got an offer from Fox News.
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Based on every statement I’ve heard out of any Republican in the last two years, the Israelis are controlling our government.
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One of the advantages of atheism is takes so little of your time.
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Trusting the government to monitor your calls without listening. It’s kind of like trusting Chris Christie to pick up the McDonald’s and not eat the fries on the way home.
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Here’s the thing about Donald Trump: He never apologizes. He’s never wrong, no matter what crazy thing he says. He’s totally – he’s the white Kanye.
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Let’s make a law that gay people can have birthdays, but straight people get more cake – you know, to send the right message to kids.
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If you believe that the world is going to come to an end – and perhaps any day now – does it not drain one’s motivation to improve life on earth while we’re here?
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God knows life sucks. It’s right there in the Bible. The book of Job is all about Job asking God to take away pain and misery. And God says, “I can’t take away pain and misery because then no one would talk to me.”
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To a coward, courage always looks like stupidity.
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Jim Bakker spells his name with two k’s because three would be too obvious.
BILL MAHER