My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother’s hip replacement. Because, you know… You break it, you buy it.
EMO PHILIPSThey have a sign at the beach, “no glass bottles”. I think that’s so the other sand particles don’t feel like underachievers.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.
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I’m not a fatalist; even if I were, what could I do about it?
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When I wake up in the morning, I just can’t get started until I’ve had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I’ve tried other enemas.
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I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.
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I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
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The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said If you’ll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you’ve been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference.
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New York’s such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, “I’d like a card.” He says, “You have to prove you’re a citizen of New York.” So I stabbed him.
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Probably the toughest time in anyone’s life is when you have to murder a loved one because they’re the devil.
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I’ve been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I’m pleased to say I’ve won.
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I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.
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Some mornings, it’s just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
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When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That’s what gave me the courage.
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Not everybody hates me. Only the people who’ve met me.
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So I’m at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.
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I tried body surfing once, but how often do you find a corpse?
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Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: ‘A truck!’
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Computers aren’t intelligent, they only think they are.
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Once I posed nude for a magazine. I’ve never been back to THAT newstand.
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Don’t wear fur! Did you know, a single fur coat takes fifteen trees, just for the protest signs?
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When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
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I’d be in the backyard minding my own business. The other kids would call me names, like meatball head or neo-Calvinist. I’d run after them, but lucky for them the chain would snap my neck back.
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I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.
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The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn’t I see you on television? I said, I don’t know. You can’t see out the other way.
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My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.
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I’m filthy stinking rich – well, two out of three ain’t bad.
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My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
EMO PHILIPS