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They have a sign at the beach, “no glass bottles”. I think that’s so the other sand particles don’t feel like underachievers.

Emo Philips

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
EMO PHILIPS

Alone Myself Night Sleep Thankful
Some mornings, it’s just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
EMO PHILIPS

Leather Morning Worth
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
EMO PHILIPS

Children Forgiveness Funny God Myself Night Prayer Realization Steal
My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.
EMO PHILIPS

Appointment Calendar Mom Myself
My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don’t even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.
EMO PHILIPS

Crazy Expensive Need Relationship Treatment
My girlfriend said, Emo, I’m seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.
EMO PHILIPS

Eyes Man Myself Relationship
My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.
EMO PHILIPS

Cheating Funny Herself Man Relationship See
My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn’t have sex quite so often.
EMO PHILIPS

Mom Often Quite Sex Sister
The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said If you’ll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you’ve been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference.
EMO PHILIPS

Difference Make Up Myself Notice Pay Return
I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don’t know what she charges him.
EMO PHILIPS

Charge Devil Herself Himself Lesson Thinking
I’d be in the backyard minding my own business. The other kids would call me names, like meatball head or neo-Calvinist. I’d run after them, but lucky for them the chain would snap my neck back.
EMO PHILIPS

Business Call Mindset Myself Name Neck
Once I posed nude for a magazine. I’ve never been back to THAT newstand.
EMO PHILIPS

Magazine Myself News Nude Stand
I took my grandmother to the emergency room. The doctor said that she was on an artificial life support system, and that although her brain was dead her heart was still beating. I though, “we’ve never had a democrat in the family before”.
EMO PHILIPS

Brain Death Democracy Doctor Emergency Family Myself Room
So I’m at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.
EMO PHILIPS

Moron Myself Stand Wall
I don’t know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I’m fairly confident that I’ll be taken off of it for one.
EMO PHILIPS

Confidence Earth Myself Oneself Purpose
I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they’re just as scared of me.
EMO PHILIPS

Confession Myself Scare

They have a sign at the beach, “no glass bottles”. I think that’s so the other sand particles don’t feel like underachievers.

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They have a sign at the beach, “no glass bottles”. I think that’s so the other sand particles don’t feel like underachievers.

Related Topics

Popular Authors

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