“A car crossed two lanes of traffic, flipped, and landed on my dad’s car. I don’t blame cars. My dad loved cars. I don’t have many memories of my dad. The love of cars is all I have of him, really.”

I’m actually more of a cat guy than a dog person because I travel so much. I love cats.

Man is the only animal to borrow tools.

Men often do things for women that they don’t want to do, so that women will do things for men that they don’t want to do.

Being wealthy when no one else is, is like being the only one at the party with a drink.

Real men don’t use instructions, son. Besides, this is just the manufacturer’s opinion on how to put this together.

I know it sounds odd, but I want to make a Rolex-quality screwdriver.

Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn’t go far didn’t see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded.

Dogs will eat till they die. Cats will leave food in the dish, incomprehensible to a dog.

Comedy is the ultimate anarchist.

They say you only go around once, but with a muscle car you can go around two or three times.

I’m sad for adults who want to be children. And children who want to be adults.

I have always enjoyed do-it-yourself projects, .. Being in a position to actually help design and bring tools to market is an incredible opportunity. Being able to fund charities as a result is phenomenal.

When I went to jail, reality hit so hard that it took my breath away, took my stance away, took my strength away. I was there buck naked, humiliated, sitting in my own crap and urine – this is a metaphor. My ego had run off. Your ego is the biggest coward.

When somebody tells you they’re not very smart, they’re saying exactly the opposite.

Boys can be disgusting. You can’t leave us alone for any length of time because we will burn something, blow something up or paint something. We’re just obnoxious.

I think there’s a percentage that don’t realize, that don’t know that [standup] is how everything began. We planned it, we work hard, rehearsals to get this. It’s more of a it’s not just coming in there in a T-shirt and holding a microphone.

You’ll never get ahead by blaming your problems on other people.

People complimenting us today might blame us tomorrow.

Take personal responsibility for your negative emotions, rather than blaming others.

Salt is so humble that when something goes wrong, it takes the blame, and when everything goes right, it doesn’t take credit.

Don’t blame the marketing department. The buck stops with the chief executive.

Every one of us can blame somebody for something that has happened in our lives. But don’t waste your time. What we need most is a steady stream of love flowing among us. Love that quickly forgives, willingly overlooks, and refuses to take offense.

Fair play is primarily not blaming others for anything that is wrong with us.

Mother Teresa was part of a conspiracy to convert Hindus to Christianity.