The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said If you’ll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you’ve been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference.
EMO PHILIPSAt my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.
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Computers aren’t intelligent, they only think they are.
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I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don’t know what she charges him.
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I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.
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I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.
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The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.
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I picked up a hitch hiker. You’ve got to when you hit them.
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One man’s pet-stained carpet is another man’s Twister game.
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All the nations of the earth must learn to live together in peace. Why be prejudiced against anyone because of their race, nationality, or creed? When there’s so many real reasons to hate others.
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I’ve been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I’m pleased to say I’ve won.
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I tried body surfing once, but how often do you find a corpse?
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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
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I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don’t know I’m only using blanks.
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I’ve learned that you can’t make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they’ll panic and give in.
EMO PHILIPS