When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.
EMO PHILIPSI love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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Computers aren’t intelligent, they only think they are.
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I’d be in the backyard minding my own business. The other kids would call me names, like meatball head or neo-Calvinist. I’d run after them, but lucky for them the chain would snap my neck back.
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Once I posed nude for a magazine. I’ve never been back to THAT newstand.
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The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said If you’ll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you’ve been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference.
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When I was a kid, my favourite time of the year when I was child was that magical first snowfall. I’d yell Yippee! Snow! and run up to the front door and shout You know the deal… You have to let me in now.
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When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.
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I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.
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You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers…damn anthropologists.
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I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
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The American government is making nuclear weapons like there’s no tomorrow.
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I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
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I’m not as good a swimmer as I used to be – thanks to evolution.
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When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
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My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother’s hip replacement. Because, you know… You break it, you buy it.
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My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
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You don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
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Probably the toughest time in anyone’s life is when you have to murder a loved one because they’re the devil.
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I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don’t know I’m only using blanks.
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They have a sign at the beach, “no glass bottles”. I think that’s so the other sand particles don’t feel like underachievers.
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Not everybody hates me. Only the people who’ve met me.
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My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.
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So I’m at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.
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I’ve been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I’m pleased to say I’ve won.
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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
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My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.
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The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.
EMO PHILIPS