“The whole dating ritual was different when I was a kid. Girls got pinned, not nailed.”

I’m for the death penalty, I’m pro-abortion, I’m pro-assisted suicide, I’m pro-regular suicide. Anything that’ll get the traffic moving.

Here’s the thing about Donald Trump: He never apologizes. He’s never wrong, no matter what crazy thing he says. He’s totally – he’s the white Kanye.

To those people who say, ‘My father is alive because of animal experimentation,’ I say, ‘Yeah, well, good for you. This dog died so your father could live.’ Sorry, but I am just not behind that kind of trade-off.

In America, you’re allowed to justify almost any kind of bigotry, sexism, or intolerance if you source it to God’s big book of bad ideas.

Atheism is a religion the way abstinence is a sex position.

Religion, to me, is a bureaucracy between man and God that I don’t need.

If you believe Jesus ever had a good word for war or torture or tax cuts for the rich, or raping the earth, or refusing water to dying migrants, then you might as well believe bunnies lay painted eggs.

Religion is insanity by consensus.

I don’t know anyone less Jesus like than Christians.

God knows life sucks. It’s right there in the Bible. The book of Job is all about Job asking God to take away pain and misery. And God says, “I can’t take away pain and misery because then no one would talk to me.”

I have always defined political correctness as an elevation of sensitivity over truth.

Ninety percent of people support background checks. Which means even people who can’t pass a background check support background checks.

In Europe, Socialism is just another political party. It just means that government takes over certain things like hospitals, prisons, military and schools that should not be run for profit.

Halloween is a day when we all get to fool people into thinking we’re someone else. Or as Mitt Romney calls it, campaigning.

I think flying planes into a building was a faith-based initiative. I think religion is a neurological disorder.

To a coward, courage always looks like stupidity.

I’ve found what makes children happy doesn’t always prepare them to be courageous, engaged adults.

Until you have kids, you can’t imagine how much you could possibly love a human being.

Apart from the fact that your physical ability starts to decline, I also think someone in their fifties being childlike becomes a little sad. You’ve got to be careful.

What makes you a man is not the ability to make a child, it’s the courage to raise one.

Only children tell the whole truth, you know. That’s what makes them children.

Children and young people are the future; they are our strength; they are what keep us moving forward. They are the ones in whom we put our hope.

The prime function of the children’s book writer is to write a book that is so absorbing, exciting, funny, fast and beautiful that the child will fall in love with it.

The visions we offer our children shape the future.