My ex-girlfriend was very sexy. She reminded me of the Sphinx because she was very mysterious and eternal and solid…and her nose was shot off by French soldiers.
EMO PHILIPSThe IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said If you’ll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you’ve been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
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I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don’t know I’m only using blanks.
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I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they’re just as scared of me.
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When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.
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Computers aren’t intelligent, they only think they are.
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You know what I hate the most? People that imitate owls.
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So I’m at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.
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I’ve been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I’m pleased to say I’ve won.
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I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
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I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.
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You don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
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I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.
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When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn’t involve a magic spell.
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They have a sign at the beach, “no glass bottles”. I think that’s so the other sand particles don’t feel like underachievers.
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I’m not a fatalist; even if I were, what could I do about it?
EMO PHILIPS