I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don’t know what she charges him.
EMO PHILIPSThe IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said If you’ll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you’ve been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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I don’t know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.
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I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
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When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
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I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don’t know I’m only using blanks.
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The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.
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Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
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People come up to me… concerned… that I’ll reproduce.
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I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
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I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.
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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
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My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn’t have sex quite so often.
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My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn’t be home until a certain hour.
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Probably the toughest time in anyone’s life is when you have to murder a loved one because they’re the devil.
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Now there’s a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?
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I don’t know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I’m fairly confident that I’ll be taken off of it for one.
EMO PHILIPS