I’m learning Cuban. It’s like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.
EMO PHILIPSI’m learning Cuban. It’s like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
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I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You’ll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, how are you going to get into the corners?”
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When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
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I’m filthy stinking rich – well, two out of three ain’t bad.
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I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.
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How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
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I don’t know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I’m fairly confident that I’ll be taken off of it for one.
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I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
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I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.
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All the nations of the earth must learn to live together in peace. Why be prejudiced against anyone because of their race, nationality, or creed? When there’s so many real reasons to hate others.
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If an asteroid is coming toward you, you don’t have to blow it up. You just have to slow it down long enough for our country to rotate out of the way.
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I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they’re just as scared of me.
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Probably the toughest time in anyone’s life is when you have to murder a loved one because they’re the devil.
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At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
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The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn’t I see you on television? I said, I don’t know. You can’t see out the other way.
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So I’m at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.
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My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.
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I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic… in morse code.
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Computers aren’t intelligent, they only think they are.
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I’m not as good a swimmer as I used to be – thanks to evolution.
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I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.
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I took my grandmother to the emergency room. The doctor said that she was on an artificial life support system, and that although her brain was dead her heart was still beating. I though, “we’ve never had a democrat in the family before”.
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I don’t know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.
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New York’s such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, “I’d like a card.” He says, “You have to prove you’re a citizen of New York.” So I stabbed him.
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The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence… sort of like the Post Office with tanks.
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My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn’t be home until a certain hour.
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