When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.
EMO PHILIPSMy first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother’s hip replacement. Because, you know… You break it, you buy it.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: ‘A truck!’
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I used to get drunk every night until I puked. Finally I admitted, “I am a bulemic”.
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My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don’t even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.
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When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That’s what gave me the courage.
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I took my grandmother to the emergency room. The doctor said that she was on an artificial life support system, and that although her brain was dead her heart was still beating. I though, “we’ve never had a democrat in the family before”.
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I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they’re just as scared of me.
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I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.
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I’ve been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I’m pleased to say I’ve won.
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When I wake up in the morning, I just can’t get started until I’ve had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I’ve tried other enemas.
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I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
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I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.
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I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.
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I’ve always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.
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The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.
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The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said If you’ll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you’ve been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference.
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