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My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother’s hip replacement. Because, you know… You break it, you buy it.

Emo Philips

They have a sign at the beach, “no glass bottles”. I think that’s so the other sand particles don’t feel like underachievers.
EMO PHILIPS

Achievement Allowance Beach Myself
I tried body surfing once, but how often do you find a corpse?
EMO PHILIPS

Body Corpse Myself Often
I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.
EMO PHILIPS

Caress Head Myself Night Respond
I caught my wife in bed with my best friend the other day. I was crushed. They could have waited till I’d got out.
EMO PHILIPS

Bed Best Friendship Myself Wife
My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother’s hip replacement. Because, you know… You break it, you buy it.
EMO PHILIPS

Break Children Job Money Replacement Rise Yourself
I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic… in morse code.
EMO PHILIPS

Away Construction Day Myself Walk
At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
EMO PHILIPS

Freedom Medicine Money Myself Stand
I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
EMO PHILIPS

Funny Lesson Money Myself Teaching Walk Wallet
My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn’t have sex quite so often.
EMO PHILIPS

Mom Often Quite Sex Sister
I took my grandmother to the emergency room. The doctor said that she was on an artificial life support system, and that although her brain was dead her heart was still beating. I though, “we’ve never had a democrat in the family before”.
EMO PHILIPS

Brain Death Democracy Doctor Emergency Family Myself Room
I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
EMO PHILIPS

Animal Dog Human Myself Thinking
I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don’t know what he looks like.
EMO PHILIPS

Friendship Myself Surgery
I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
EMO PHILIPS

Amusement Job Myself Park Ride Seat Terrify
I’ve learned that you can’t make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they’ll panic and give in.
EMO PHILIPS

Hope Learning Love Myself Panic Stalk
I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.
EMO PHILIPS

Concept Gift God Myself Thinking
I’m not a fatalist; even if I were, what could I do about it?
EMO PHILIPS

Character Myself Permanent

My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother’s hip replacement. Because, you know… You break it, you buy it.

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My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother’s hip replacement. Because, you know… You break it, you buy it.

Related Topics

Popular Authors

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