My girlfriend said, Emo, I’m seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.
EMO PHILIPSMy first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother’s hip replacement. Because, you know… You break it, you buy it.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don’t know I’m only using blanks.
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When I wake up in the morning, I just can’t get started until I’ve had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I’ve tried other enemas.
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I took my grandmother to the emergency room. The doctor said that she was on an artificial life support system, and that although her brain was dead her heart was still beating. I though, “we’ve never had a democrat in the family before”.
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I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
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Now there’s a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?
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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
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I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.
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I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.
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One man’s pet-stained carpet is another man’s Twister game.
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My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
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The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.
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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
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Once I posed nude for a magazine. I’ve never been back to THAT newstand.
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Probably the toughest time in anyone’s life is when you have to murder a loved one because they’re the devil.
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I used to get drunk every night until I puked. Finally I admitted, “I am a bulemic”.
EMO PHILIPS