I have a thing for tools.
TIM ALLENMen are liars. We’ll lie about lying if we have to. I’m an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.
More Tim Allen Quotes
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Be wary of listening to stories secondhand.
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All men like to think that they can do it alone, but a real man knows that there no substitute for support , encouragement or a pit crew.
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I think there’s a percentage that don’t realize, that don’t know that [standup] is how everything began. We planned it, we work hard, rehearsals to get this. It’s more of a it’s not just coming in there in a T-shirt and holding a microphone.
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If you want to condemn yourself for the mistakes you’ve made, let’s be fair, that means you’ve got to congratulate yourself for all the good things you’ve done. It’s okay to say, “God, I wish I’d done this; yeah, but I did do that.” Then it kind of balances out.
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Playing golf is like going to a strip joint. After 18 holes you are tired and most of your balls are missing.
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A car crossed two lanes of traffic, flipped, and landed on my dad’s car. I don’t blame cars. My dad loved cars. I don’t have many memories of my dad. The love of cars is all I have of him, really.
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I grew up around hunters. I love guns, bows, arrows, compasses and binoculars. I don’t do any of that stuff, I just like the stuff. I shot one animal, in my life, and I didn’t like it. If I had to skin an animal to eat it, I’d probably eat vegetables.
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Kids learn by example. If I respect Mom, they’re going to respect Mom.
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Man is the only animal to borrow tools.
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I am a thespian trapped in a man’s body.
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I love doing logos. I’ve been a graphic artist all my life.
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My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.
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Jill, we became parents so we could tell our kids what to do. Otherwise we’re just the tallest people living here.
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While awaiting sentencing, I decided to give stand-up comedy a shot. The judge had suggested I get my act together, and I took him seriously.
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Sometimes you get the sense that the Creator is getting to that point of “Yeah, we might have to reboot.”
TIM ALLEN






