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Men are liars. We’ll lie about lying if we have to. I’m an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.

Tim Allen

While awaiting sentencing, I decided to give stand-up comedy a shot. The judge had suggested I get my act together, and I took him seriously.
TIM ALLEN

Comedy Decision Himself Judgement Sentence Serious Stand
If you don’t decide where you’re going, life will decide for you.
TIM ALLEN

Control Decision Direction Journey Path Yourself
I’m a creative guy, artistically with graphics.
TIM ALLEN

Artist Creativity Design Graphics
Can we take a direct flight back to reality or do we have to change planes in Denver?
TIM ALLEN

Direction Flight Plane Reality
Playing golf is like going to a strip joint. After 18 holes you are tired and most of your balls are missing.
TIM ALLEN

Funny Golf Lost Missing Play Sports Yourself
In marriage, compromise nurtures the relationship.
TIM ALLEN

Compromise Marriage Nurture Relationship
The big advantage to playing the Venetian in Las Vegas – where it’s a beautiful theater – is that unlike other places, even many other nice venues, I can do a set and lighting cues, I can put on a real show. I can dress up, wear a tux.
TIM ALLEN

Advantage Beautiful Myself Play Reality Show Theatre
Dog’s listen, or appear to listen. I think they hear blah, blah, blah, FOOD, blah, blah, blah. They appear to be listening to you.
TIM ALLEN

Appearance Listening Noise Thinking Voice Yourself
I blend memories. I blend them into one that’s funny. I exaggerate to clarify.
TIM ALLEN

Clarify Funny Memories Myself
Men are liars. We’ll lie about lying if we have to. I’m an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.
TIM ALLEN

Goodness Lying Man Myself Positive
I have an only child. She’s so independent and good with adults.
TIM ALLEN

Adult Children Goodness Independent
Jill, we became parents so we could tell our kids what to do. Otherwise we’re just the tallest people living here.
TIM ALLEN

Advice Children Live Parents People
There is no greater feeling than when a groom turns to see his bride and has tears in his eyes because she is so beautiful.
TIM ALLEN

Beautiful Bride Feeling Greatness Herself
Dogs will eat till they die. Cats will leave food in the dish, incomprehensible to a dog.
TIM ALLEN

Death Dog Food Leaving
Man is the only animal to borrow tools.
TIM ALLEN

Animal Borrow Man Tools
Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.
TIM ALLEN

Car End Funny Relationship Woman

Men are liars. We’ll lie about lying if we have to. I’m an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.

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Men are liars. We’ll lie about lying if we have to. I’m an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.

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Popular Authors

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