“When I wake up in the morning, I just can’t get started until I’ve had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I’ve tried other enemas.”

Now there’s a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

My parents were very protective. I couldn’t even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.

My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don’t even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.

Computers aren’t intelligent, they only think they are.

When I was a kid, my favourite time of the year when I was child was that magical first snowfall. I’d yell Yippee! Snow! and run up to the front door and shout You know the deal… You have to let me in now.

The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence… sort of like the Post Office with tanks.

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.

The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said If you’ll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you’ve been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference.

Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: ‘A truck!’

You know what I hate? Indian givers… no, I take that back.

You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers…damn anthropologists.

I used to get drunk every night until I puked. Finally I admitted, “I am a bulemic”.

All the nations of the earth must learn to live together in peace. Why be prejudiced against anyone because of their race, nationality, or creed? When there’s so many real reasons to hate others.

Without coffee something’s missing

I try to do nothing. I drink rosemary when I have a lot of work to do. People take coffee, they take speed, whatever. I take rosemary.

The problem with breaking up with someone, if you are a little unsure – and so often, people are unsure – is that breaking up involves persuasion.

And this is difficult if you have not entirely persuaded yourself. It is especially tricky to do this if you are also naked, and making two cups of coffee.

I still think the best classic meal in New York is a coffee-shop breakfast – you sort of can’t skip it.

I feel that I’d rather know an actors’ work, or have an instinct about them and sit down and have coffee with them, or I’ll see them in something and I’ll see if I can get along with them in some way, shape, or form.

I don’t like soccer. I think it makes you soft. And by the way, you telling me it’s the biggest whatever in the World, look, they drink tea everywhere too; they’re pussies, you understand? I want some coffee.

The coffee shop is a great New York institution, but it has terrible coffee. And the more traditional coffee shops are trying to catch up with more sophisticated coffee drinkers.