They have a sign at the beach, “no glass bottles”. I think that’s so the other sand particles don’t feel like underachievers.
EMO PHILIPSI got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You’ll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, how are you going to get into the corners?”
More Emo Philips Quotes
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My ex-girlfriend was very sexy. She reminded me of the Sphinx because she was very mysterious and eternal and solid…and her nose was shot off by French soldiers.
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My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.
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I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.
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So I’m at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.
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My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
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I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
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When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.
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You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers…damn anthropologists.
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Some mornings, it’s just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
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I’m filthy stinking rich – well, two out of three ain’t bad.
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I took my grandmother to the emergency room. The doctor said that she was on an artificial life support system, and that although her brain was dead her heart was still beating. I though, “we’ve never had a democrat in the family before”.
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I’ve always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.
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I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
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When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That’s what gave me the courage.
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I caught my wife in bed with my best friend the other day. I was crushed. They could have waited till I’d got out.
EMO PHILIPS