I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
EMO PHILIPSI got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You’ll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, how are you going to get into the corners?”
More Emo Philips Quotes
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When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn’t involve a magic spell.
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The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said If you’ll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you’ve been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference.
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Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
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My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.
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I’ve always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.
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The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.
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I’ve learned that you can’t make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they’ll panic and give in.
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I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.
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If an asteroid is coming toward you, you don’t have to blow it up. You just have to slow it down long enough for our country to rotate out of the way.
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I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
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My parents were very protective. I couldn’t even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.
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I’ve been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I’m pleased to say I’ve won.
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I’ve always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.
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Probably the toughest time in anyone’s life is when you have to murder a loved one because they’re the devil.
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Now there’s a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?
EMO PHILIPS