At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
EMO PHILIPSI got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You’ll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, how are you going to get into the corners?”
More Emo Philips Quotes
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I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.
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I don’t know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.
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I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don’t know what he looks like.
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The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.
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I’ve always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.
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My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.
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I’ve learned that you can’t make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they’ll panic and give in.
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I’ve been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I’m pleased to say I’ve won.
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I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don’t know I’m only using blanks.
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When I wake up in the morning, I just can’t get started until I’ve had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I’ve tried other enemas.
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The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said If you’ll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you’ve been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference.
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If an asteroid is coming toward you, you don’t have to blow it up. You just have to slow it down long enough for our country to rotate out of the way.
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Once I posed nude for a magazine. I’ve never been back to THAT newstand.
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You know what I hate? Indian givers… no, I take that back.
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I’d be in the backyard minding my own business. The other kids would call me names, like meatball head or neo-Calvinist. I’d run after them, but lucky for them the chain would snap my neck back.
EMO PHILIPS