One man’s pet-stained carpet is another man’s Twister game.
EMO PHILIPSI got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You’ll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, how are you going to get into the corners?”
More Emo Philips Quotes
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The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.
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Once I posed nude for a magazine. I’ve never been back to THAT newstand.
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Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
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I took my grandmother to the emergency room. The doctor said that she was on an artificial life support system, and that although her brain was dead her heart was still beating. I though, “we’ve never had a democrat in the family before”.
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I tried body surfing once, but how often do you find a corpse?
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My girlfriend said, Emo, I’m seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.
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Probably the toughest time in anyone’s life is when you have to murder a loved one because they’re the devil.
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I’ve always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.
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Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.
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When I was a kid, my favourite time of the year when I was child was that magical first snowfall. I’d yell Yippee! Snow! and run up to the front door and shout You know the deal… You have to let me in now.
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Now there’s a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?
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I don’t know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.
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I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.
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The American government is making nuclear weapons like there’s no tomorrow.
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I picked up a hitch hiker. You’ve got to when you hit them.
EMO PHILIPS






