Sometimes I feel like a figment of my own imagination.
LILY TOMLINNinety eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hardworking, honest Americans. It’s the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity. But then, we elected them.
More Lily Tomlin Quotes
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Well, if I can be of any help at all, you are in worse trouble than I thought.
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I try to be cynical, but it’s so hard to keep up.
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Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world.
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If you can’t be direct, why be?
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When we speak to God, we call it prayer; when God speaks back, we call it psychosis!
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For fast-acting relief try slowing down.
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Growing up in Michigan was fine, until I realized where I was.
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Language was invented because of the deep human need to complain.
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If I had known what it would be like to have it all – I might have been willing to settle for less.
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The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.
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When I am happy I feel like crying, but when I am sad I don’t feel like laughing. I think it is better to be happy; then you get two feelings for the price of one.
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What I appreciate is acknowledging to the audience that I think they have brains.
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If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?
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Ninety eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hardworking, honest Americans. It’s the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity. But then, we elected them.
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Why isn’t there a special name for the tops of your feet?
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I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else.
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Don’t be afraid of missing opportunities. Behind every failure is an opportunity somebody wishes they had missed.
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It’s a more ridiculing, divisive humor today.
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If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?
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Having a real public outlet is how you imprint something for yourself. It’s just a matter of timing. It’s like you’ve marked your territory.
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To me, “sexual freedom” means freedom from having to have sex.
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Why is it that when we talk to God we’re said to be praying but when God talks to us we’re schizophrenic?
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What goes up must come down. But don’t expect it to come down where you can find it.
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Exercise is for people who can’t handle drugs or alcohol.
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The phone company handles 84 billion calls a year-everything from kings, queens, and presidents to the scum of the earth.
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In the depths of the night, fear grips my heart. It paralyzes my mind. But most of all, I feel very, very alone
LILY TOMLIN