“I bought a box of animal crackers, but there was nothing inside. They’d eaten each other.”

Language was invented because of the deep human need to complain.

Why is it that when we talk to God we’re said to be praying but when God talks to us we’re schizophrenic?

If you have a dog or a cat, you know how developed they can be. How sensitive, how aware. They suffer. We all do.

We don’t care. We don’t have to. We’re the phone company.

When I’ve had a meltdown, people will say to me, “Well, you failed to keep your sense of humor.”

You can’t expect insights, even the big ones, to make you suddenly understand everything. But I figure: Hey it’s a step in the right direction if they leave you confused in a deeper way.

The start to a better world is the belief that it is possible.

I try to be cynical, but it’s so hard to keep up.

Wouldn’t it be great if we all grew up to be what we wanted to be? The world would be full of nurses, firemen, and ballerinas.

9 to 5 made people aware of equal pay for equal work. It hasn’t really happened, but it has come closer.

Even when I’m being funny, I’m deadly serious.

Lady, I do not make up things. That is lies. Lies are not true. But the truth could be made up if yo know how. And that’s the truth.

There will be sex after death, we just won’t be able to feel it.

If evolution was worth its salt, it should’ve evolved something better than ‘survival of the fittest.’ I think a better idea would be ‘survival of the wittiest.’ At least, that way, creatures that didn’t survive could’ve died laughing.

Having a real public outlet is how you imprint something for yourself. It’s just a matter of timing. It’s like you’ve marked your territory.

I like a teacher who gives you something to take home to think about besides homework.

Man is an animal which, alone among the animals, refuses to be satisfied by the fulfillment of animal desires.

As a camel kneels before his master to have him remove his burden at the end of the day, so kneel each night and let the Master take your burden.

Defend the Bible? I’d sooner defend a lion. You don’t defend the Bible; you open its cage and let it roar.

You never know how a horse will pull until you hook him to a heavy load.

A time will come when instead of shepherds feeding the sheep, the church will have clowns entertaining the goats.

Having a teenage daughter is like riding a young horse over an unknown steeplechase course. You don’t know when to pull up the reins, when to let the horse have its head – or what.

I never said all actors are cattle; what I said was all actors should be treated like cattle.

If you can’t sleep, count sheep. Don’t count endangered animals. You will run out.