“Even when I’m being funny, I’m deadly serious.”

The phone company handles 84 billion calls a year-everything from kings, queens, and presidents to the scum of the earth.

The road to success is always under construction.

If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?

I personally think we developed language because of our deep need to complain.

Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it.

I always wondered why somebody doesn’t do something about that. Then I realized I was somebody.

Reality is nothing but a collective hunch.

Growing up in Michigan was fine, until I realized where I was.

I still believe that sex is dirty. It’s just that now I wouldn’t have it any other way.

We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.

Language was invented because of the deep human need to complain.

Why is it that when we talk to God we’re said to be praying but when God talks to us we’re schizophrenic?

If you have a dog or a cat, you know how developed they can be. How sensitive, how aware. They suffer. We all do.

We don’t care. We don’t have to. We’re the phone company.

When I’ve had a meltdown, people will say to me, “Well, you failed to keep your sense of humor.”

You can’t expect insights, even the big ones, to make you suddenly understand everything. But I figure: Hey it’s a step in the right direction if they leave you confused in a deeper way.

I only fear the death of others. For me, true death is that of the people I love.

What a scandal, if I die. Yeah, I’m gonna kill myself, get a little headline news.

I have a piece of great and sad news to tell you: I am dead.

Doth not a man die even in his birth? The breaking of prison is death, and what is our birth, but a breaking of prison?

Everything one does in life, even love, occurs in an express train racing toward death. To smoke opium is to get out of the train while it is still moving. It is to concern oneself with something other than life or death.

When you have lived the life I’ve lived, when you’ve loved and suffered, and been madly happy and desperately sad — well, that’s when you realize you’ll never be able to set it all down. Maybe you’d rather die first.

Life is for the living. Death is for the dead. Let life be like music. And death a note unsaid.

Most people die at age 25 and are buried at age 65.