The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, ‘Where the hell is my roof?
STEVEN WRIGHTMy doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’
More Steven Wright Quotes
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I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
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I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
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I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.
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If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?
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I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
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My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it’s unbelievably clear.
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Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
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If Dracula can’t see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?
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Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
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You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
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A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
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Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
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Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
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I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
STEVEN WRIGHT