I want you to buy this pit bull. This will protect your valuables.’ I don’t own anything very valuable. If I buy the pit bull, that would be the most valuable thing I own. I’d have to buy something to protect it then.
NORM MACDONALDFlattery succeeds best on minds previously occupied by conceit.
More Norm MacDonald Quotes
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Back in the old days, a man could just get sick and die. Now they have to wage a battle. So my Uncle Bert is waging a courageous battle, which I’ve seen, because I go and visit him. And this is the battle: he’s lying in the hospital bed, with a thing in his arm, watching Matlock on the TV.
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In math, you could get 100 percent. It was very fair. That’s what I liked about math. You could figure it out, and the teacher couldn’t have a stupid opinion about it.
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This would have been a great game to watch if we didn’t have any money on it.
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Envy, like a false mirror, distorts the symmetry of the sweetest form.
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Imprudent restrictions often force youth farther than enticement would carry them; and careless limitation is frequently worse than no injunction.
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When I hear a guy lost a battle to cancer, that really did bother me, that that’s a term. It implies that he failed and that somebody else that defeated cancer is heroic and courageous.
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A great cause of evil in the world is that men seldom think themselves criminal if they offer the same injustice to others that has been successfully practiced on themselves.
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I don’t care for sex. I find it an embarrassing, dull exercise. I prefer sports, where you can win.
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Though you may be last to discover your follies, be always first to correct them.
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Enjoyment inflames love in some men, and extinguishes it in others: the wind that assists large vessels, upsets small ones.
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Reason is always weak where prejudice is strong.
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We often suffer more from our fears, than from the dangers of our situation.
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Note to self: no matter how bad life gets, there’s always beer.
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It is vain to complain of fortune while we fail in policy and conduct.
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I don’t really like politics that much. And I like the order and simplicity of sports. They have an ending. You can argue with your friends about it, but in the end you still like sports. I almost love the fantasy world of sports more than the real world.
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I always told everybody the perfect joke would be where the setup and punch line were identical.
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Chastity is oftener owing to diffidence and shame, than to fortitude of reason or virtue.
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If you desire praise or esteem, endeavor to merit it.
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The first principle of solid wisdom is discretion, without it all the erudition of life is merely bagatelle.
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A lot of writers come from Harvard and such, and are rich, and they write under the misapprehension that poor people are stupid. So when they do write them, they are hillbillies or rednecks or Christian idiots.
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There are two things at which most men are grieved: when their faults are exposed, and when their virtues are concealed.
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Few are more unhappy than those who have great ambition, but little energy to urge it into activity.
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Violent people usually express their love of a thing by their hatred of its opposite.
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Few people love with the violence they hate.
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The beginning of wisdom is the knowledge of folly.
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All that weak people learn from disappointment, is less confidence in future enterprise.
NORM MACDONALD