The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
STEVEN WRIGHTLast night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.
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How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
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Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
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I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.
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One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read”
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I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?
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For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
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How do you get off a non-stop flight?
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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery’s dead?
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Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
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Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
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Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
STEVEN WRIGHT -
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?
STEVEN WRIGHT