The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, ‘Where the hell is my roof?
STEVEN WRIGHTLast night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
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I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
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Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
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If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
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There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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How come abbreviated is such a long word?
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If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell.
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
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Half the people you know are below average.
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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
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My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’
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Always remember your unique, just like everyone else.
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I wish the first word I ever said was the word “quote”, so right before I die I could say “unquote”.
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Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
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Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
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Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
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Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
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If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
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My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it’s unbelievably clear.
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
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I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.
STEVEN WRIGHT