I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
STEVEN WRIGHTLast night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
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Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
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My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
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I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?
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How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
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If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said ‘cut it out’
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Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
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If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
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The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, ‘Where the hell is my roof?
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My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’
STEVEN WRIGHT -
All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.
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If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
STEVEN WRIGHT