You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
STEVEN WRIGHTLast night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
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Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
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How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
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Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
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If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
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Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
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My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’
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It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I’d never even thought about killing myself.
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If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
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Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
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I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, ‘The whole time.
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If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?
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All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.
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Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
STEVEN WRIGHT






