More from Steven Wright
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
Steven WrightSteven Wright If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
Steven WrightSteven Wright It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I’d never even thought about killing myself.
Steven WrightSteven Wright Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
Steven WrightSteven Wright I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
Steven WrightSteven Wright You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
Steven WrightSteven Wright When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.
Steven WrightSteven Wright No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Steven WrightSteven Wright A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Steven WrightSteven Wright I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.
Steven WrightSteven Wright Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
Steven WrightSteven Wright If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
Steven WrightSteven Wright I wish the first word I ever said was the word “quote”, so right before I die I could say “unquote”.
Steven WrightSteven Wright I like to reminisce with people I don’t know.
Steven WrightSteven Wright Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Steven WrightSteven Wright I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
Steven WrightSteven Wright
Original quotes
From our community writers
Even with broken wings, she dares to fly. And even with a broken heart, she dares to love.
Divya khandalDivya khandal And I refuse to apologize until the very end for the way that I feel – my feelings are valid too.
Carmen AmadosCarmen Amados Contemplate your own mortality daily, then see how much we must change.
Chris AllchinChris Allchin Poetry is the voice of the soul and the inspiration of the heart.
Teresa PeresTeresa Peres We parted sadly, like children in the street on a pleasant june afternoon.
Iestyn TudorIestyn Tudor And what shall I call you? Yours. In this life, the ones before, and all others thereafter.
Alexandra MichelleAlexandra Michelle If I could go back to a time I’d be with you. And I’d thank you again for almost being the healing to my heart.
Aimee C. HoveyAimee C. Hovey I was a living breathing nightmare and he was my favorite dream catcher.
Juwairiyyah OlgarJuwairiyyah Olgar
Meet the writers
More on funny
People can cry much easier than they can change.
James BaldwinJames Baldwin What you do speaks so loudly that I cannot hear what you say.
Ralph Waldo EmersonRalph Waldo Emerson Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.
George Bernard ShawGeorge Bernard Shaw Sit, be still, and listen, because you’re drunk and we’re at the edge of the roof.
RumiRumi It’s true drinkin will kill ya, but if you’re drunk you don’t care.
Post MalonePost Malone It’s a funny thing about mothers and fathers. Even when their own child is the most disgusting little blister you could ever imagine, they still think that he or she is wonderful.
Roald DahlRoald Dahl We do not stop playing because we grow old, we grow old because we stop playing!
Benjamin FranklinBenjamin Franklin A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.
Robert FrostRobert Frost
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