“When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.”

In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said ‘cut it out’

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.

Clones are people two.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it’s unbelievably clear.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don’t have film.

You know when you’re sitting on a chair and you lean back so you’re just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.

Always remember your unique, just like everyone else.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?