If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?
STEVEN WRIGHTI got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.
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I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
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Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
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Clones are people two.
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When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
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The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, ‘Where the hell is my roof?
STEVEN WRIGHT -
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery’s dead?
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I installed a skylight in my apartment, the people who live above me are furious!
STEVEN WRIGHT -
I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
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If Dracula can’t see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
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Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
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If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
STEVEN WRIGHT