Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
STEVEN WRIGHTOne time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read”
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… ‘How to Build a Boat.’
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I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
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If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
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My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it’s unbelievably clear.
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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
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If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?
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I installed a skylight in my apartment, the people who live above me are furious!
STEVEN WRIGHT -
I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’
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You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
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If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
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I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
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The older you get, the more you learn to see what you’ve been taught to see. When you’re a kid, you see what’s there.
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I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, ‘The whole time.
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Clones are people two.
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In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said ‘cut it out’
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I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
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I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?
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When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
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I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
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Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
STEVEN WRIGHT