If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
STEVEN WRIGHTIf a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?
More Steven Wright Quotes
-
-
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
STEVEN WRIGHT -
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
STEVEN WRIGHT -
Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
STEVEN WRIGHT -
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
STEVEN WRIGHT -
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
STEVEN WRIGHT -
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
STEVEN WRIGHT -
Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
STEVEN WRIGHT -
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?
STEVEN WRIGHT -
Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don’t have film.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
STEVEN WRIGHT -
Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?
STEVEN WRIGHT -
Clones are people two.
STEVEN WRIGHT