Half the people you know are below average.
STEVEN WRIGHTHalf the people you know are below average.
STEVEN WRIGHTI’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.
STEVEN WRIGHTClones are people two.
STEVEN WRIGHTWhen I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.
STEVEN WRIGHTShin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
STEVEN WRIGHTMy doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’
STEVEN WRIGHTIf man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
STEVEN WRIGHTWhy don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
STEVEN WRIGHTIt was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I’d never even thought about killing myself.
STEVEN WRIGHTConsciousness: That annoying time between naps.
STEVEN WRIGHTI am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
STEVEN WRIGHTWhen everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
STEVEN WRIGHTIf at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
STEVEN WRIGHTMy dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.
STEVEN WRIGHTHow come abbreviated is such a long word?
STEVEN WRIGHTIf people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?
STEVEN WRIGHT