“If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?”

Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I installed a skylight in my apartment, the people who live above me are furious!

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery’s dead?

I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, ‘Where the hell is my roof?

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I’d never even thought about killing myself.

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.

Give me a child until he is 7 and I will show you the man.

You need a whole community to raise a child. I have raised two children, alone.

If we are to reach real peace in the world, we shall have to begin with the children.

If I can sit down for freedom, you can stand up for children.

Cherish your visions and your dreams as they are the children of your soul, the blueprints of your ultimate achievements.

It’s a funny thing about mothers and fathers. Even when their own child is the most disgusting little blister you could ever imagine, they still think that he or she is wonderful.

I don’t think one parent can raise a child. I don’t think two parents can raise a child. You really need the whole village.

You can write about anything for children as long as you’ve got humour.