I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
STEVEN WRIGHTIf a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?
More Steven Wright Quotes
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How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
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I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.
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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
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Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
STEVEN WRIGHT -
You know when you’re sitting on a chair and you lean back so you’re just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, ‘Where the hell is my roof?
STEVEN WRIGHT -
My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it’s unbelievably clear.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
STEVEN WRIGHT