Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
STEVEN WRIGHTIf a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
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You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
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No one is listening until you make a mistake.
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Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
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I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
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I installed a skylight in my apartment, the people who live above me are furious!
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How do you get off a non-stop flight?
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When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.
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Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
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I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.
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For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
STEVEN WRIGHT