“Thankfully, perseverance is a good substitute for talent.”

I really enjoy finding the right word, creating a good, flowing sentence. I enjoy the rhythm of the words.

First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.

I guess I wouldn’t believe in anything if it weren’t for my lucky astrology mood watch.

Some people have a way with words, and other people; oh, uh, not have way.

Now let’s repeat the non-conformists’ oath: I promise to be different! I promise to be unique! I promise not to repeat things other people say! Good!

Before you criticize a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you do criticize him, you’ll be a mile away and have his shoes.

It’s not what you know, it’s what you think you know.

Be so good they can’t ignore you.

You know that look that women get when they want to have sex? Me neither.

I thought yesterday was the first day of the rest of my life but it turns out today is.

How many people have never raised their hand before?

Thankfully, persistence is a great substitute for talent.

When I die, now don’t think that I’m a nut, don’t want no fancy funeral, just one like old King Tut.

I was deeply unhappy, but I didn’t know it because I was so happy all the time.

I’ve got to keep breathing. It’ll be my worst business mistake if I don’t.

With comedy, you never know until you put it in front of an audience. You shoot it and a year later you have no idea if it’s going to work. And then you get the response. It’s great when it’s good.