Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
STEVEN WRIGHTAlways remember your unique, just like everyone else.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
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Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
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I like to reminisce with people I don’t know.
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.
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I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
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Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
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Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
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If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell.
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There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
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I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
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I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
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If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
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If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
STEVEN WRIGHT