If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?
STEVEN WRIGHTIf man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
More Steven Wright Quotes
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I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
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Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
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If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
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Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
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For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
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I wish the first word I ever said was the word “quote”, so right before I die I could say “unquote”.
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Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
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Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
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I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
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I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
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Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
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I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
STEVEN WRIGHT






