Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
STEVEN WRIGHTIf man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
More Steven Wright Quotes
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If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
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I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
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A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
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Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
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How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
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I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, ‘The whole time.
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Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
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If Dracula can’t see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?
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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery’s dead?
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If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
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I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
STEVEN WRIGHT