Always remember your unique, just like everyone else.
STEVEN WRIGHTWhy isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
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In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said ‘cut it out’
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You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
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Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
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Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
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No one is listening until you make a mistake.
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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
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I like to reminisce with people I don’t know.
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If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
STEVEN WRIGHT






