I installed a skylight in my apartment, the people who live above me are furious!
STEVEN WRIGHTWhy isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
More Steven Wright Quotes
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For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
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Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
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Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don’t have film.
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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery’s dead?
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Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.
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How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
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All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.
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I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.
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If Dracula can’t see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?
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Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
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I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
STEVEN WRIGHT