One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read”
STEVEN WRIGHTWhy isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
More Steven Wright Quotes
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When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.
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All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.
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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.
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Clones are people two.
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If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
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If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?
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How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
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Half the people you know are below average.
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I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, ‘The whole time.
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
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Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
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If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell.
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Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
STEVEN WRIGHT