The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, ‘Where the hell is my roof?
STEVEN WRIGHTWhy isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don’t have film.
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If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?
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Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
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Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
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I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.
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If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
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All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.
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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
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If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
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You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
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I installed a skylight in my apartment, the people who live above me are furious!
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You know when you’re sitting on a chair and you lean back so you’re just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.
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Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
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Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
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Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
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Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
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I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
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I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
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Always remember your unique, just like everyone else.
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I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.
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If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read”
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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery’s dead?
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If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
STEVEN WRIGHT