On her daughter Melissa: The only time she really cried is when I sat her down and told her that she was not adopted.
JOAN RIVERSMoving on is a gift you give yourself.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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Don’t tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won’t respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, ‘Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.’.
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Thank God we’re living in a country where the sky’s the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.
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A female salmon lays three thousand eggs a year – and has yet to receive a Mother’s Day card from one of them.
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Grandchildren can be annoying – how many times can you go: “And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink”? It’s like talking to a supermodel.
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Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you’re funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.
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Don’t follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.
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Your anger can be 49 percent and your comedy 51 percent, and you’re okay. If the anger is 51 percent, the comedy is gone.
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Here’s a Thanksgiving tip. Generally, your turkey is not cooked enough if it passes you the cranberry sauce.
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I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I’d look like without plastic surgery.
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I said to my husband, ‘Why don’t you call out my name when we’re making love?’ He said, ‘I don’t want to wake you up.’
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I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.
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I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.
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The fashion magazines are suggesting that women wear clothes that are ‘age appropriate.’ For me that would be a shroud.
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You know you’re getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.
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Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.
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Just remember: Surviving is the best revenge, no matter what the disaster has been.
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Women should look good. Work on yourselves. Education? I spit on education. No man is ever going to put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.
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You know it’s time to start using mouthwash when your dentist leaves the room and sends in a canary.
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Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?
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Elizabeth Taylor’s so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
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I’m in nobody’s circle, I’ve always been an outsider.
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To the pessimist the light at the end of the tunnel is another train.
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I said Justin Bieber looked like a little lesbian — and I stand by it: He’s the daughter Cher wishes she’d had.
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Don’t cook. Don’t clean. No man will ever make love to a woman because she waxed the linoleum.
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Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.
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I have no boobs whatsoever. On my wedding night my husband said, ‘Let me help you with those buttons’ and I told him, ‘I’m completely naked’.
JOAN RIVERS