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I saw what’s going on under my chin. I don’t want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.

Joan Rivers

Bo Derek turned down the role of Helen Keller because she couldn’t remember the lines.
JOAN RIVERS

Forget Herself Movie Remember Role
I’m no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge.
JOAN RIVERS

Cook Food Myself
Here’s a Thanksgiving tip. Generally, your turkey is not cooked enough if it passes you the cranberry sauce.
JOAN RIVERS

Enough Thankful Yourself
One of the most rebellious things a woman can do is allow people to think she’s mean.
JOAN RIVERS

Herself Oneself People Rebel Thinking Woman
At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.
JOAN RIVERS

Cry Different Funeral Myself Sound
My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stroller.
JOAN RIVERS

Children Early Memories Myself Parents
On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
JOAN RIVERS

Eat Food Yourself
You know you’re getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.
JOAN RIVERS

Deep Fun Funny Old Work Yourself
I was so ugly that my parents sent my picture to ‘ripley’s believe it or not’ – they sent it back and said, “we don’t believe it.”
JOAN RIVERS

Believe Parent Ugly
Don’t tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won’t respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, ‘Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.’.
JOAN RIVERS

Born Children Easy Respect Yourself
You have to do more than just kill time or time will quickly kill you.
JOAN RIVERS

Deep Inspirational Kill Time Yourself
You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it.
JOAN RIVERS

Age Fashion Feeling Funny Gift Memories Old Yourself
I said to my husband, ‘Why don’t you call out my name when we’re making love?’ He said, ‘I don’t want to wake you up.’
JOAN RIVERS

Funny Himself Husband Love Myself
Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you’re funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.
JOAN RIVERS

Acceptance Funny Luck Old Oneself
Don’t follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.
JOAN RIVERS

Advice Feeling Goodness Mindset Thinking Wisdom Yourself
A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she’s a tramp.
JOAN RIVERS

Funny Man Mistake Woman

I saw what’s going on under my chin. I don’t want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.

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I saw what’s going on under my chin. I don’t want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.

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