Happiness, at my age, is breathing
JOAN RIVERSOne of the most rebellious things a woman can do is allow people to think she’s mean.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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We don’t apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don’t get it, then don’t watch us.
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Money can’t buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery.
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I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.
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On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
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You have to do more than just kill time or time will quickly kill you.
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I use a smoke alarm as a timer.
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Don’t tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won’t respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, ‘Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.’.
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I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout.
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My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, “Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia?” Shelia had died at birth.
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I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, “Marry him, you’ll double your wardrobe.”
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She doesn’t understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.
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If you can’t make fun of yourself, you don’t have any right to make fun of others.
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I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
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Your anger can be 49 percent and your comedy 51 percent, and you’re okay. If the anger is 51 percent, the comedy is gone.
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My daughter and I are very close, we speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing, “pick up, I know you’re there.”
JOAN RIVERS