“Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but I believe when a woman enters a room, men should stand up – and gay men should stand up at least halfway.”

I said Justin Bieber looked like a little lesbian — and I stand by it: He’s the daughter Cher wishes she’d had.

I have a million dollar figure but it’s all loose change.

Old age is always ten years more than we are.

Happiness, at my age, is breathing

There are many self-help books by Ph.D.s, but I hold a different degree: an I.B.T.I.A.-I’ve Been Through It All. This degree comes not on parchment but gauze, and it entitles me to tell you that there is a way to get through any misfortune.

You know you’re getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.

Bo Derek turned down the role of Helen Keller because she couldn’t remember the lines.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

Florida wants to change the state’s motto to attract younger people. They’re thinking about: More than just a great place to die.

Keep moving. It’s hard for old age to hit a moving target.

The fashion magazines are suggesting that women wear clothes that are ‘age appropriate.’ For me that would be a shroud.

Grandchildren can be annoying – how many times can you go: “And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink”? It’s like talking to a supermodel.

When you can laugh at yourself no one can ever make a fool of you.

I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, “Marry him, you’ll double your wardrobe.”

Nothing is yours permanently so you better enjoy it while it’s happening.

Here’s a Thanksgiving tip. Generally, your turkey is not cooked enough if it passes you the cranberry sauce.

I don’t believe in sort of holding back, you know, life isn’t a dress rehearsal!

My style kind of differs – sometimes I want to be a little dressed down, a little tomboy, sometimes I want to be dressed up and very chic and look proper. But I don’t ever believe in overdoing it for day-to-day style.

This is the true horror of religion. It allows perfectly decent and sane people to believe by the billions, what only lunatics could believe on their own.

If you believe in justice, surely you believe in the hereafter, because this world is not just.

I believe passionately that everyone has a particular God-given ability.

The followers of Jesus did not die for what they believed – they died for what they claim to have seen.

Faith means believing the unbelievable.

You will only sacrifice when you passionately believe in the outcome.