Edgar had a heart attack, and I’m to blame. We were making love, and I took the bag off my head.
JOAN RIVERSOld age is always ten years more than we are.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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To the pessimist the light at the end of the tunnel is another train.
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On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
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You know you’re getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.
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Life is a movie, and you’re the star. Give it a happy ending.
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I’m racist? How can that even be possible? I was a friend of Michael Jackson’s back when he was black.
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I saw what’s going on under my chin. I don’t want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.
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When you can laugh at yourself no one can ever make a fool of you.
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I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.
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Women should look good. Work on yourselves. Education? I spit on education. No man is ever going to put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.
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Don’t tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won’t respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, ‘Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.’.
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Life goes by fast. Enjoy it…Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.
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I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I’d look like without plastic surgery.
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In life the only thing that you can expect is the unexpected; the only surprise is a day that has none.
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I have no boobs whatsoever. On my wedding night my husband said, ‘Let me help you with those buttons’ and I told him, ‘I’m completely naked’.
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If two people want to get married, get married! The Victorians had a great saying: As long as it doesn’t scare the horses, do what you want. And I absolutely believe that.
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Here’s a Thanksgiving tip. Generally, your turkey is not cooked enough if it passes you the cranberry sauce.
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On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
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Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you’re funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.
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Money can’t buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery.
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I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
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The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.
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I was so ugly that my parents sent my picture to ‘ripley’s believe it or not’ – they sent it back and said, “we don’t believe it.”
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My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stroller.
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People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
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I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout.
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On her daughter Melissa: The only time she really cried is when I sat her down and told her that she was not adopted.
JOAN RIVERS