“When you can laugh at yourself no one can ever make a fool of you.”

Life goes by fast. Enjoy it…Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.

Better laid than never.

We all mourn in our own way. I mourn with a great steak.

Life is a movie, and you’re the star. Give it a happy ending.

In life the only thing that you can expect is the unexpected; the only surprise is a day that has none.

A female salmon lays three thousand eggs a year – and has yet to receive a Mother’s Day card from one of them.

I said Justin Bieber looked like a little lesbian — and I stand by it: He’s the daughter Cher wishes she’d had.

Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but I believe when a woman enters a room, men should stand up – and gay men should stand up at least halfway.

I have a million dollar figure but it’s all loose change.

Old age is always ten years more than we are.

Happiness, at my age, is breathing

There are many self-help books by Ph.D.s, but I hold a different degree: an I.B.T.I.A.-I’ve Been Through It All. This degree comes not on parchment but gauze, and it entitles me to tell you that there is a way to get through any misfortune.

You know you’re getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.

Bo Derek turned down the role of Helen Keller because she couldn’t remember the lines.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

Florida wants to change the state’s motto to attract younger people. They’re thinking about: More than just a great place to die.

Misfortunes cannot suffice to make a fool into an intelligent man.

April fool, n. The March fool with another month added to his folly.

I think we’d be very foolish to expect that we can just import everything from somewhere else and imagine that that’s going to last for ever and ever and ever.

He who thinks with difficulty believes with alacrity. A fool is a natural proselyte, but he must be caught young, for his convictions, unlike those of the wise, harden with age.

A fool is a person who knows the difference between right and wrong, and chooses to do wrong.

History is an account, mostly false, of events, mostly unimportant, which are brought about by rulers, mostly knaves, and soldiers, mostly fools.

Eloquence, n. The art of orally persuading fools that white is the color that it appears to be. It includes the gift of making any color appear white.

Nothing cuts deeper than being made a fucking fool at a time you’re already so vulnerable.