“I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, “Marry him, you’ll double your wardrobe.””

Before we make love, my husband takes a pain killer.

If two people want to get married, get married! The Victorians had a great saying: As long as it doesn’t scare the horses, do what you want. And I absolutely believe that.

I’m no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge.

Your anger can be 49 percent and your comedy 51 percent, and you’re okay. If the anger is 51 percent, the comedy is gone.

You know it’s time to start using mouthwash when your dentist leaves the room and sends in a canary.

I have no boobs whatsoever. On my wedding night my husband said, ‘Let me help you with those buttons’ and I told him, ‘I’m completely naked’.

Edgar had a heart attack, and I’m to blame. We were making love, and I took the bag off my head.

Life is so tough. I don’t know how old you are, but I’ve seen so much in a wink. One phone call and your life is changed forever. We all know that. You better laugh at everything.

I’m racist? How can that even be possible? I was a friend of Michael Jackson’s back when he was black.

Money can’t buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery.

Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It’s all funny.

Don’t follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.

The first rule of survival is: Make your own rules. The hell anyone thinks about the way you’re acting; listen only to yourself.

I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.

At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.

Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.

Talk to women who’ve ever dated an Arab man. The results are not good.

I’d date a fan as long as she didn’t scream in my face.

I won’t date a model, because models are perfect and perfect is boring.

I call you to say we have no other choice but to date for a year go our separate ways and cheat on whoever we marry forever.

When i was 12 all of my friends had girlfriends and i didn’t, i felt lonely so i asked my mom to date me.

I’ve not actually been on too many dates.

I had a lot of dates but I decided to stay home and dye my eyebrows.

I’m not very experienced with boys or the whole dating thingy.