Moving on is a gift you give yourself.
JOAN RIVERSI was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, “Marry him, you’ll double your wardrobe.”
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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Money can’t buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery.
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You know you’re getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.
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Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but I believe when a woman enters a room, men should stand up – and gay men should stand up at least halfway.
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When you can laugh at yourself no one can ever make a fool of you.
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My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, “Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia?” Shelia had died at birth.
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I enjoy life when things are happening. I don’t care if it’s good things or bad things. That means you’re alive.
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I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout.
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My mother could make anybody feel guilty – she used to get letters of apology from people she didn’t even know.
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On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
JOAN RIVERS -
Grandchildren can be annoying – how many times can you go: “And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink”? It’s like talking to a supermodel.
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I have a million dollar figure but it’s all loose change.
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If God wanted us to bend over he’d put diamonds on the floor.
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Women should look good. Work on yourselves. Education? I spit on education. No man is ever going to put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.
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Don’t tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won’t respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, ‘Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.’.
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Old age is always ten years more than we are.
JOAN RIVERS






