We don’t apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don’t get it, then don’t watch us.
JOAN RIVERSSome women take up the law and become lawyers. Other women lay down the law and become wives.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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Before we make love, my husband takes a pain killer.
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Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.
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To the pessimist the light at the end of the tunnel is another train.
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My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, “Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia?” Shelia had died at birth.
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The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.
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I was so ugly that my parents sent my picture to ‘ripley’s believe it or not’ – they sent it back and said, “we don’t believe it.”
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You know you’re getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.
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Keep moving. It’s hard for old age to hit a moving target.
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At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.
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Nothing is yours permanently so you better enjoy it while it’s happening.
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The fashion magazines are suggesting that women wear clothes that are ‘age appropriate.’ For me that would be a shroud.
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Thank God we’re living in a country where the sky’s the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.
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Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?
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There are many self-help books by Ph.D.s, but I hold a different degree: an I.B.T.I.A.-I’ve Been Through It All. This degree comes not on parchment but gauze, and it entitles me to tell you that there is a way to get through any misfortune.
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Elizabeth Taylor’s so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
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Women should look good. Work on yourselves. Education? I spit on education. No man is ever going to put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.
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She doesn’t understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.
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Grandchildren can be annoying – how many times can you go: “And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink”? It’s like talking to a supermodel.
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People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
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Here’s a Thanksgiving tip. Generally, your turkey is not cooked enough if it passes you the cranberry sauce.
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I said to my husband, ‘Why don’t you call out my name when we’re making love?’ He said, ‘I don’t want to wake you up.’
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We all mourn in our own way. I mourn with a great steak.
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I saw what’s going on under my chin. I don’t want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.
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I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I’d look like without plastic surgery.
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Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you’re funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.
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When you first get married, they open the car door for you. Eighteen years now…once he opened the car door for me in the last four years – we were on the freeway at the time.
JOAN RIVERS