“Some women take up the law and become lawyers. Other women lay down the law and become wives.”

I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.

When you first get married, they open the car door for you. Eighteen years now…once he opened the car door for me in the last four years – we were on the freeway at the time.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

Don’t tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won’t respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, ‘Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.’.

If God wanted us to bend over he’d put diamonds on the floor.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, ‘Get the hell off my property.’

You have to do more than just kill time or time will quickly kill you.

I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.

Don’t worry about the money. Love the process.

My daughter and I are very close, we speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing, “pick up, I know you’re there.”

My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, “Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia?” Shelia had died at birth.

If you can’t make fun of yourself, you don’t have any right to make fun of others.

Just remember: Surviving is the best revenge, no matter what the disaster has been.

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.

Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.

I enjoy life when things are happening. I don’t care if it’s good things or bad things. That means you’re alive.

Give yourself no choice but to succeed. let the consequences of failure become so dire and so unthinkable that you’ll have no choice but to do whatever it takes to succeed.

Be proud of your choices, not your gifts.

If you have a different mindset, you will have a different outcome: if you make different choices from your peers, your life will then be different from your peers.

When a man is denied the right to live the life he believes in, he has no choice but to become an outlaw.

Our lives are fashioned by our choices. First we make our choices. Then our choices make us.

Every choice in life either moves you forward or keeps you stuck.

We are our choices. Build yourself a great story.

Don’t consent to be hurt and you won’t be hurt – this is a choice over which you have control.