Before we make love, my husband takes a pain killer.
JOAN RIVERSPeople say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she’s a tramp.
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We don’t apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don’t get it, then don’t watch us.
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My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, “Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia?” Shelia had died at birth.
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Old age is always ten years more than we are.
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Edgar had a heart attack, and I’m to blame. We were making love, and I took the bag off my head.
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A Mafia guy in Vegas gave me this advice: “Run your own race, put on your blinders.”
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I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.
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Happiness, at my age, is breathing
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In life the only thing that you can expect is the unexpected; the only surprise is a day that has none.
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Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.
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Life is a movie, and you’re the star. Give it a happy ending.
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You know you’re getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.
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I have no boobs whatsoever. On my wedding night my husband said, ‘Let me help you with those buttons’ and I told him, ‘I’m completely naked’.
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A female salmon lays three thousand eggs a year – and has yet to receive a Mother’s Day card from one of them.
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When my husband Edgar and I were courting, he said he couldn’t wait to have a baby. It was only after we were married that he changed his mind and decided that I should have the baby.
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If two people want to get married, get married! The Victorians had a great saying: As long as it doesn’t scare the horses, do what you want. And I absolutely believe that.
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Don’t follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.
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I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.
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Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but I believe when a woman enters a room, men should stand up – and gay men should stand up at least halfway.
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On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
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On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
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Here’s a Thanksgiving tip. Generally, your turkey is not cooked enough if it passes you the cranberry sauce.
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Better laid than never.
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Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?
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I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
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Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?
JOAN RIVERS